no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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