I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
