I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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