You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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