Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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