sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
My underwear smells like fireworks.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
