i love accidental penises.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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