u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Come share oat with me in your robe
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
