i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
