Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
