he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
