He felt like a one man threesome
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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