he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Randomize
