the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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