Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
