I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
