"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
