i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
