I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
