I wish I could teleport
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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