you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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