i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
