when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize