She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize