Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
