Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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