me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
