if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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