im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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