I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
