Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
