I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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