haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Randomize
