i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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