Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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