the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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