I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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