I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
