the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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