I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Randomize
