Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
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