I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Duck Duck Cougar?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize