I accidentally had phone sex last night
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Randomize
