We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
