did you get engaged???
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
