Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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