Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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