Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
