This is not my ceiling
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize