Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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