we have pet lesbian snakes
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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