do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Michael Bay diarrhea
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
