Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
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