All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
