I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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