I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
