My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
