I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
