Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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